(Image by Freepik)
Something oddly strange happened at the funky hotel restaurant the other day. The gentleman at the table next to me — mid-50s, suit with tie(!), spiky haircut — ordered eggs benedict for breakfast. “Whole milk,” he said before changing to half and half, then almond milk for his latte. “To go?,” he waiter asked. He shook his head: “No, for here of course, …eh..my breakfast?” He looked annoyed.
I ordered my breakfast. Our food arrived at the same time and as I looked sideways, I saw that the other man had taken off. Coat, umbrella, briefcase, all gone. Why would someone order breakfast and disappear?
Ghosting, when someone disappears without explanation, is more and more common in physical as well as digital life. And in business, too. Cutting all communication without any explanation is not good etiquette, but may actually cost you money and longer-term business if you do it.
Especially in the airline business and travel industry where business is, well, quite personal.
Is there such a thing as good ghosting and how much would we save?
Read on or sign up to receive Airline Behavioral Economics for free:
Uncomfortable
Ghosting extends to all things these days. Not just a digital departure (you have never met each other); a friend not responding to particular types of messages (find the pattern!), or worse, a new romantic in-the-making ‘thing’.
Nonetheless, ghosting is tied to the way we view the world. And it’s hurting business.
A ghost:
Does not see the need to respond, certainly not the urgency (until it’s buried under other messages and easier to move on emotionally)
Does not believe there is a loss in not responding
Does not believe the person waiting for a response is, really, waiting for a response (something we thought was there, but really isn’t)
Does not feel comfortable bringing (socially) undesirable news, or be seen as rejecting (always feels personal)
Does not want to feel friction or confrontation, even if that’s only a perception
Does believe that not responding has a gain of ‘upper hand’ of the comm.
(Image by Adobe Stock)
The increase in ghosting is more and more related to our digital lives and:
Pace of life (pandemic has helped us be busier than ever)
Amount of digital traffic (we can hide more easily)
Digital spillover effect into real life (everybody has become more selfish and is in ”survive business” mode).
But there are different kinds of ghosts:
Light-weight ghost: You never met, and only exchanged messages once or twice. No offense.
Mid-weight ghost: You have met each other but start a sudden and deep avoidance. Light offense.
Heavy-weight ghost: You have been intimate and you leave, blindsiding the other. Big offense and departure from, what used to be, proper etiquette.
In business, heavy-weight ghosting, I would say, is when both parties have made considerable effort exploring business, execution or projects. You’re invested, almost committed, and left hanging. Happens!
Worse, the ‘blindsider’ turns around partnering with somebody else. Or you think they did.
The ambiguity is a pointy dagger.
Why?
Ghosting is a form of the silent treatment quite similar to emotional cruelty. Belief it or not, some psychologists have found that it can be treated with Tylenol according to multiple studies. I thought that was pushing it, but somewhat funny.
Anyway, individuals who have stronger destiny or growth beliefs are more likely to ghost. What that means, is that they quickly give up with the slightest hints of “not worth it”.
Studies have shown that any ‘social’ rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, meaning there’s a biological link between rejection and pain.
That goes for friends, partners and, if it had feelings, that lonely breakfast the gentleman abandoned.
Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brains have what’s called a social monitoring system that uses mood, people and environmental cues to coach us how to respond situationally.
But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, so you question yourself and your choices which sabotages self-worth and self-esteem.
When people ghost, though, it actually says a lot about them.
So what about business?
Business is personal
Ghosting has a lot to do with someone’s comfort level and how they deal with their emotions. A lot of people anticipate that talking about how they feel is going to be a confrontation.
That mental expectation makes people want to avoid things that make them uncomfortable.
People are craving authenticity, but this does not work well in business because there are already so many scripted and learned behaviors. It isn’t authentic, not fully.
Ultimately, this lack in authenticity leads to lost leads, lost opportunities, lost connections and lost chances of future business.
Because, how likely are you to run towards somebody that badly ghosted you when they re-appear?
Only vendors jump with their tail between their legs, because they’ll always want to sell. Mostly.
For every one or two in 10 opportunities I had where I was ghosted, I figured it was also their loss. Because I brought business elsewhere. I calculated it.
What if ghosting another company (read: people) costs you 10% of your future revenue? Because they don’t see you as reliable, or worthy?
Busting ghosts
I personally find it hard to not respond to somebody, even if I don’t feel like it. That’s because I am afraid to be rejected or hurt someone. But I know that about me, now.
I’ve learned to be a light-weight ghoster. I sometimes have to stop engaging by replying.
But an advice I got, was to stay kind and don’t let people hanging. You never know…
Therefore:
“I understand you are not in a position to respond, but please note that I will be available for further discussions. Thank you.”
Be patient.
Wishing you all a wonderful day, and greetings from beautiful Montréal.
Ricardo
Montreal, Tuesday, 7 March 2023
Feel free to contact me for questions, comments, or a chat:
ricardo(at)pomonaadvisors(dot)com
my general email has changed to: info(at)ricardopilon(dot)com